WHAT IS COMPERSION?
WHAT IS COMPERSION & HOW DO YOU INCORPORATE IT INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP(S)
A natural tendency we all have is Jealousy! It is just how it is, few can avoid it at some stage or another, some will quietly stream from both ears and others will go over and slog the guy who dared to look at "his woman" and some go over the top until you need a restraining order! A little jealousy when handled right is fine, it just needs to be discussed and addressed as to what's causing it.
However, in the Alternative Lifestyles such as swinging, poly, bdsm and open marriage/relationship many have come to terms with the term "Compersion". It originated from a French anthropologist in the late 20th century and is becoming a more and more popular term to define the feeling of happiness, joy or sexual gratification they feel from watching their partner get sexual satisfaction or romantic attention from others.
You may hear people refer to their partner as King or Queen, part of that is making sure they have all their needs met regardless of how many people it may take to make them happy. Similar situations happen in the BDSM world because its all about fulfilling your partners happiness which actually makes you very fulfilled and joyful sometimes to very erotic levels. Its the exact opposite of jealousy.
Let's First Look More Into What Compersion is
Most commonly the poly (polyamorous) or ethically non monogamous relationships tend to use this word the most. They often have several varying relationships that they care about, in some cases there is a primary partner but in others each member of the relationship will have the same love, respect, sexual attraction etc evenly. Therefore it is important that all involved can overcome any jealousy and insecurity and actually feel happiness and joy when their partner is gaining attention or love or being sexually satisfied by another.
People in this dynamic have come to a peace which elates them rather than Instead of it kicking off their little rage button it will make them smile to know the one(s) they love are being loved by others.
Think about it, if you can love your partner deeply then why is it so terrible someone else can love them the same way or be pleasured by them. Are they being selfish not finding all their needs in you as one person or are you being selfish demanding they do? We will address "fears, insecurities and logic a little further down.
Simple fact is most people are bought up in an "old traditional manner" (although that is changing fast which is also inclusive of non-binary people) but to date it has primarily been a general "expectancy/acceptance" to assume a man and woman to become monogamous, perhaps breed a couple of children and that's their all, they should require or need nothing more from a relationship than what their immediate partner can provide.
Usually both women and men grow up being taught a version of love which often makes them possessive from a young age and feel like they need to control their partners to some degree (or other times a very possessive degree) as to where they go, who they hang out with, certainly who they can flirt and have sex with.
When you think about it logically is it really ok to think we can fill all of our partners needs? I mean as humans we are very demanding, very selfish and we often just need and want far more than what one person can provide us. It really explains the growing masses moving to some form of consensual non monogamy, and lot's more who just decide to cheat!
Compersion really takes all the selfishness away and allows the person you love to open themselves up to others but more so will give you a huge thrill because you realize you can share your significant other with people and it doesn't mean they will run in fact it can often make them bond to you like no other. A lot of relationships are cat and mouse, it seems people love you and chase you until they have you but then they get bored or take you for granted? Sounds familiar? Well as with swinging and open relationships, poly dynamics have generally come to the conclusion it makes more sense to have different partners for different needs, or maybe the same needs but a variation of them so things don't get dull. People confuse polyamorous and polygamy but one involves both sexes sharing their partners the other involves more a one male and lots of women type dynamic.
Compersion is really all about it pleasing you to see them being pleased. Whether that is in a romantic way but often it is more geared to seeing them sexually pleasured. Voyerism can also play a part in this as can cuckolding which is also popular and a slightly different perspective than the poly situations.
Fear & Insecurity vs Compersion
Poly partnerships (throuples, Quads and more) simply just would not work if there were not a mutual understanding and practice of compersion. It is becoming increasingly more popular as people become to understand they dont need to "own" their partner and their actions. Their partners are with them because they want to be, they close to be, and just because they have a romantic interest, a sexual desire or just a need to hang out with other people/lovers it does not diminish the love, sexual attraction or intense passion they have for you as a life partner.
Being able to actually feel positivity for your partners happiness is actually a very healthy thing. If they are happy then you will be happy so why do they need to leave you if they have all the options at hand and still have you.
Often jealousy will split up so many relationships, not only because of maybe some deceitful sex that went on behind your back but often more so because the lack of trust you now have in them and everything they say because they were not honest about it with you. Rightly so, who appreciates a cheat and a liar.
However, can we really blame someone for looking for more when we have kept them so restricted, insisting we be their only source of sexual satisfaction, romance, fun, enjoyment, hangouts etc. Can we really be chef, parent, best sex partner, healer, shoulder to cry on, provider and more, all of the time, to perfection? You may let him have a boys night out or her a girls weekend away but does that really satisfy their needs because at the end of the day it's still a large form of control
Now some can get their heads around poly and some can't, others will turn to the swinging world so they can have their compersion of enjoying watching their partner have sex with someone else but they don't have to share their "emotional side" and that's fine too if that's what works for you both. The thing is to really look at why you won't let your partner do something with someone else, is it because you don't trust them? Are you scared they will run off because they had better sex? Are you terrified if you give them a little they will want too much? Do you worry they will forget you? Whatever it is most of these things will come back to your insecurities which are causing your jealousy of others or the thought of allowing them freedom to be shared.
At the end of the day, think about refection of your insecurities onto your partner and how depressing that can be, we have all been on the receiving end of it and it's not fun. Your partner got with you because they saw the most amazing beauty/hotness, smarts, fitness, approachability, reliability, whatever it might be. They have stayed with you for those same things and no doubt the bonds have gotten stronger. So in that case should you work less on being jealous and more on your insecurities?
Some people are perfectly fine in monogamous and will not open up to anything else because that would hurt them too much emotionally. But if you are in a "stuck" relationship that seems to have gone completely stale then maybe its time to revive their joy and you gaining joy from seeing how happy you can make them by letting them be happy with others. Chances are if they can have their cake and eat it they why leave the baker!
Can You Open Up Or Teach Yourself Compersion?
Simple answer is yes, anyone can if they have the right frame of mind but it is not easy to get there. It is a long road and does not happen overnight, most people grow into it very slowly and it usually develops from either a very long and secure marriage or partnership or some people just refuse to be "a one woman guy" for example and they will always insist on those more open-relationships. Some will try swinging and find they can't stand to watch their partner have sex but they are happy with them dating separately and enjoy knowing they are happy getting their needs met but will still come home for the late night cuddle. It is all circumstantial on your needs. many swingers will get off just hearing their partners moan and groan with someone else in the same room with them.
First you have to work on what makes you feel insecure. If you were to let your partner have another date/playdate/partner what would scare you the most? Deal with this issue first. It really does take time to accept that your partner won't leave you just because he/she has joy elsewhere. It is all about communication and baby steps, discuss what you both need to ramp things up or gain fulfillment to be happy together. You don't have to go from one extreme to the other you can focus on what will strengthen your relationship together and in that alone you will discuss fears and insecurities that you may never have discussed otherwise and if you both choose to take additional partners or extra sex friends then you can both work through those feelings together.
Have you mastered Compersion? We want to hear about your experinces.