Facing the hard Truths!
So come on, you already know the signs but let's get to it
- Do you have a sinking feeling in your gut constantly around them?
- Has your spouse or partner become distant?
- Are they working more, getting home later and making excuses?
- Are they suddenly turning into the fittest thing on the planet?
- Do they put their phone facedown all the time?
- Do they change their phone codes a lot?
- Do they accuse you of being the one cheating?
- Do they judge everything you do and your relationship?
- Has their self care/image gone through the roof?
- Are they sulky/mysterious/constantly moody & snappy?
- Do they avoid all conversations and always seem too busy for you?
- The intimacy has faded? The sex is non existent?
- Are they too attentive to a particular persons social media?
- They try to talk you into more girls or boys nights out or away?
- Do they have unexplained charges and financial losses?
- Are their friends or family being distant or weird?
- Has their routine changed dramatically?
- Have they cheated before and you feel its happening again?
- Do their "stories" not add up or make sense?
- Do they over explain when they are late?
- Are you finding birth control or condoms?
- Are they reluctant to make any big commitments with you?
- Long periods of time where they are unreachable
- It takes them forever to respond and you know its not work related causing the delays
Do I need to go on? Look if your gut is telling you that they are cheating you are probably right! Sometimes our paranoia and insecurity can get the better of us and we talk ourselves down that there is no way they could do that to us because "it's not like them" "they love me" "we have kids together" "they have always been honest" and so on! Simply facts are we often make excuses for other people's behavior simply because we don't WANT IT to be TRUE!
Your spouse may have a deep, loving bond with you but, intense feelings of passion can override the bond with you and cause your spouse to lose sight of his/her true feelings and with social media and hook up sites, cheating sites and more making it so easy to have a fling, affair or one night hook up then it seems it's a constant battle to keep that attention focused on a monogamous relationship!
Strop Driving Yourself Mental!
They are either cheating or they are not so first things first, find out for sure. Then decide .. if I find out they are cheating what am I going to do? Yes your natural reaction is to scream at them, threaten them and kick them out but you really need to decide what is best for you. Are you in too deep (with kids. mortgage etc) that you feel you can't leave? Do you love them too much and feel you can't live without them? or are you going to kick their lying, cheating ass to the curb and move on with the next one?
Before you as the cheat .. or you as the one who have been cheated on, decide to completely destroy your relationship or marriage take a few moments to ask the serious questions
Do you feel your spouse is…
- Dismissive of your feelings.
- Is financially irresponsible
- Not spending enough time with the family.
- Rejecting you sexually.
- Working too much.
- Not working with you as a couple to make the marriage better.
In short, are they worth fighting for? That is the big question here. If they are really fucking up more ways then putting it around sexually then save your breath and start focusing on your exit and survival plan. If it is worth fighting for then start asking yourself, can I really forgive them? Can we get therapy and really make this work? Can we add extra spice to our marriage or situation that we could both live with like open dating?
It is often not the act of sex that really bothers most people its everything else around it, the loss of trust, the money spent on others that could have been spent on the family, the time given to others when they could have been loving you more, the insecurities it sets up for "am I not hot enough or good enough in bed". These are all things that if you decide to stay together will be things you must be able to work on. And the biggest question of all is WHY. Did they do it as a mistake or is this the silent way of telling you they are done but just didn't have enough balls to tell you?
What is the Real Love Language Between You Now
Let's assume you have caught them cheating or at least are having that discussion where you hope they will be honest and tell you .. How are they responding? At this point if you know they have done it or so convinced they have then its time to stop worrying about it and actually face the issue head on.
If they are using terms like “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” or "I need a break" or "we should just be friends" or "I need time to figure out my feelings" then as much as you don't want to - accept the fact they are probably done. They just don't want to hurt you directly by telling you so. I mean simple facts are when you are so in love and absolutely doting on someone do you really want to have sex with others? The answer to this can often be yes but that is more for the swingers, open relationships and polyamorous type dynamics. People that have decided that it is ok to have sex with more than one person but they have done it in a respectful, consensual way through agreements. Again this brings me back to trust! Trust is the foundation of everything in a relationship and if they have not been honest with you and can't be now they have been caught or confronted with it then what is left. If they can be honest and their is still love and an attraction then maybe it's time to consider other ways forward like maybe having hall passes etc.
Don't be a Victim!
OK, so the bitch or bastard cheating on you! After you have gone through the overwhelming feelings of wanting to rip their balls off or wanting to throw all her clothes out the window or sitting crying to every sad song you can find, then it's time to get YOUR game plan going.
It's not about what THEY want anymore. They are the ones who lied and deceived you so what are YOU going to do about it? Be strong! Yes you have devoted your time, energy, love, loyalty and effort into it all and you can't bare the thought of just throwing it all away it doesn't make sense. But they cheated! Hard facts! So THEY threw all that away already. Chances are it can't be repaired unless their is true remorse and an effort on THEIR part to fix it. If it's all you making therapy appointments, and changing things about you to make them happy then don't bother! Pick up your self esteem, your dignity, your pride and tell them to "seriously go fuck themselves".
Stop fantasizing, make a list of pros and cons and be honest with it. Did they really truly make you happy enough to forgive them after the betrayal.
- Have they been giving you the best sex ever recently or was that all for someone else?
- Have they doted on you and giving you amazing date nights out or was that all for the lover?
- Are they really a devoted parent to your kids or do they let you do everything and just go about their selfish business?
- Have they used every excuse in the book to blow you off or make you feel unwanted and like you are not good enough?
- Is their time and what they are doing always more important than yours or wanting to do things jointly because washing the car was just so much more essential after you told them you are lonely?
You get the drift! Get real with yourself and really evaluate WHY they cheated, is it just that they are unhappy or are you both unhappy and they got to do it before you did?
Don't be a victim, yes have your moment, lick your wounds but then get up and say FUCK THIS I am worth much more than this bullshit!
Your intuition is frequently one of the best indicators that something is wrong. If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then talk to him/her about what you've found. Do it in a way that is calm and courteous. Ask for honesty. Be prepared for lies. But when you find out your intuition was right then stand tall and make some hard choices, It might feel the end of your world in that moment but look how many new marriages and relationships are surrounding you, ask them, are you glad you moved on, every single one of them will probably tell you yes and I wished I had done it earlier. There will be new loves so don't go another 5 years trying to repair something, don't blame yourself, if they honestly care they will do the work to prove these things don't ask for them!
If you are not 100% sure and feel you are being overly emotional because he or she has genuinely picked up extra shifts to help the household finances then talk to your partner about your fears but if they shrug you off or get overly defensive then get proof. It is a sad fact that people having affairs become excellent liars. People who never told a lie before in their lives. Trust your gut instinct but get hard, cold proof also.
Getting the Proof
When looking for evidence of a cheater, partners can dig up a lot by looking at what or who a person searches for on the web and social media. On Facebook, you can see every single person someone has searched for. Same with the History Tab on the search engines, if they are deleting these in bulk (i.e. you go to search history for the last month and it is empty) then you have your answer, they are covering tracks, why do you need to cover tracks if you are not doing anything wrong! If its porn sites that's one thing but that is something you need to establish.
The best thing you can do is have a frank and honest conversation with your spouse about your marriage. Couples therapy can work wonders, and during this pandemic, virtual visits are likely covered by your health insurance.
Following them is not the best idea, I mean if you caught them in the act that can lead to on the spot violence's or property destruction and no one wants that. Knowing something and seeing it are two different realities, do not put yourself in situations that may cause you physical harm or being arrested if it's that bad just leave the relationship.
You can check their web browsers by typing every letter and see what comes up (if they did not delete it) or check their social media to see if they are paying a certain someone special attention but again if they are smart they can use disappearing instant messages which most platforms offer and the only way to see these are key loggers.
One place most people don't think to check is the "trash bin" of someone's computer or cell phone, they usually hit delete but wont go into the "delete folder" and delete them permanently. Most computers or phones will hold things for 30 days for people who accidently delete and want the files or pics back, if you find ten dick pics or a bunch of booby shots and they have not been sent to you then you have your answer!
This goes back to my first sentence .. you already know in your gut they are cheating .. do you really want to torture yourself with knowing all the ins and outs? If you know in your gut they are playing you then move on for your mental health. Be strong! You are worth more. If they can be honest when confronted then ask them what they are willing to do to fix it. Ask them what they need in order to not do it again. Don't fool yourself and don't be fooled by them. It is important to be true to you above all. You may ask well what about the kids, do you really want to teach them that a relationship fueled with mistrust, anger and loveless daily routines are ok? Or do you love them enough to stay as a family but feel it's both time you had some extra lovers in the mix.
I might sound hard but anyone who has experienced the loss of trust will tell you, sometimes it's just not worth hanging on because you will lose your soul in the process. Find something that works for you both for the future or you alone.
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